Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Deadlines and Agendas

Suddenly, August has arrived. Chaos! My mind is still stuck in the waves of "school" schedule, which I suppose is legitimate since I'm going to teach at a school.... but anyway, we're at 53 days. Whoaa.

Paperwork for Austria keeps piling up and I just... am having trouble caring. One task a day is certainly all I can manage, yet I keep having to do billions of things (passport pictures, money, medical forms, transcript, contract with the devil, etc) to get myself over there! It's as if part of me is fighting back against leaving! I just... don't feel too much joy in completing these tasks. On the other hand, I went to JiffyLube for an oil change and felt pretty good about that... until it was time to pay. What is it about money!? I feel like I will literally never have enough to buy things without stressing, even though I never consciously think about how much money I actually have. I have plenty, so much more than many other people, it's just this strange rationing part of my brain that refuses to give up anything without being willing! I'm the same way with belongings... it has to be MY decision or it's just not going happen very happily. Anyway, silly.

This time of life is confusing. Priorities changing in myself, priorities changing in people around me... I want to surround myself with people who I can relate to, who I can look up to, but don't really want to find them. So I subsist thinking things are how they have to be and not putting in the effort to change. Not that things are bad, of course! Some are great, improving. And some are not great but are growing, which is good. And some things and I are going to part ways. The hardest part is deciding which is which...

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